The Solution
Champion bachelors Craig and Greg present a myriad of topics centering on relationships and addictions, shared in the positive light of experience, strength and hope. Both have struggled with the strongholds of addiction and with relationships that went awry, and both have emerged on the other side -- stronger, wiser and better prepared to become what they once set out to be.
The Solution
The Solution Episode 56
How do you truly distinguish between fleeting physical attraction and genuine compatibility? Join Craig Dahlen and Greg Carter on The Solution as we uncover the crucial elements of self-awareness and shared values in the often-complicated world of dating. In this enlightening episode, we emphasize the importance of understanding your own beliefs and values as a guiding compass during the dating period, a time designed for discovering whether a potential partner aligns with you. We also address the hidden dangers of toxic relationships, discussing the severe impact chronic stress and drama can have on your physical health, and highlight strategies to avoid mistaking mere excitement for meaningful connection.
In the second half, we dive into the foundational aspects of building lasting romantic relationships, focusing on respect and trust. Craig and Greg explore how nurturing friendship and vulnerability before introducing physical intimacy can prevent relationships from derailing and foster a stronger bond. This episode is packed with practical advice and insights that could revolutionize your approach to relationships, helping you create healthier and more meaningful connections.
Thank you, strength and hope. Both have struggled with the strongholds of addiction and with relationships that went awry, and both have emerged on the other side stronger, wiser and better prepared to become what they once set out to be. You're listening to the Solution.
Speaker 2:Hey, welcome to the Solution. I'm your host, craig Dallin, sitting here with my partner, greg Carter. Greg, how you doing?
Speaker 3:Hey, awesome how you doing tonight, Craig.
Speaker 2:Good, I want to start this show off by saying hey, in relationships, in dating, dating is a time of discovery. That's it. It's a time of discovery. You date that person and you both come to conclusions. In a certain amount of time, you take in the information, you decide is this person for me or not? Of course your feelings are going to tell you that, her feelings are going to tell her that. And if they say, continue on you do, you continue on, you really get to know them. They say continue on, you do you continue on you really get to know them.
Speaker 2:But you know, in dating you come to a point where you're like you know what? I think you're a fantastic person, but I think we should move on. That can happen too, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's meant to be where you move on. When dating is done correctly, you either stay with them or you, in a mature way and honest conversation, you move on, and there's nothing wrong with it Not at all.
Speaker 3:Not at all. I 100% agree with that. If you give it a fair chance, it might be a Some people people though, they I think it's funny to hear some people, I don't feel anything, they've only been on one date and I, in my opinion, I disagree with that. I think it could take a while to to build up that. You know commonality, I really do. Yes, it could take a little while. If people say they don't feel nothing, I think they're talking about lust or whatever.
Speaker 2:But yeah, yeah, and you know, I think it's important to know some things before you start dating, know about yourself before you can interact with another person, like, what are your values, what are your beliefs? Because that person that you're dating, that you're bored with, you know you might tell yourself, oh, I'm bored. That person just might be the perfect person for you. Yes, because he or she has the same values and the same beliefs. Because a lot of times we'll go on that date and we'll come home that night and like, oh man, that was so exciting, that was perfect date. Well, that doesn't mean that that's going to be a good person for you.
Speaker 3:No, you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So quite often. That's why I think it takes I don't think I know it takes a long time to really get to know somebody, and I think you do it by your as a starting point. Values and beliefs are a great place to start, and I know you're looking over there with a. You've got a good list to start out with. I do, too, go ahead and read some things off that what you're looking at.
Speaker 3:Yeah, what I'm looking at here is the toxicity part in relationships, harmful relationships. You know that. What can happen to the actual body? Okay, yeah, like stress, it can lead to chronic stress headaches, nausea, high blood pressure, chest pain and sleep problems. Also, too, it can affect your immune system. You can have immunity issues, slower disease recovery, extreme fatigue and other cardiovascular problems. I've had people tell me before they've actually had heart palpitations they've been so stressed, and these are people that work out a lot.
Speaker 2:They just get so stressed that's if you're dating somebody who you know, if you're out there. It's like if you're dating somebody who's not good for you exactly and you may not be good for them. It causes things within the body If there's a toxic thing throughout that relationship and you don't feel quite right, but there's something holding you two together, and what can that be? Sex.
Speaker 3:Sex.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And drama, drama. Sometimes people are addicted to crises. They're addicted to just a drama, because drama, in my opinion, is a negative stimuli, but nonetheless it is a stimuli.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3:And it keeps things live just in a bad way.
Speaker 2:Oh, it does for sure. And when you say two sex, that's the oxytocin Boom that's released within the body, that's the bonding hormone and that can really pull people together.
Speaker 2:And all of a sudden, they got that cocktail of that going on with the dopamine, which is another hormone. You get those things within your body. You think you're in love and it's a false deal going on, Very false, If there's a recipe out there. If there's a recipe out there that says this is how to do it right, so you can have the best chance of getting the person that you need to get what's that recipe look like I would have to say from my past experience, what seems to work would be to definitely hold off on the sex part.
Speaker 3:Okay, definitely hold off on that for a while. I, yep, read something the other day that you should touch somebody's heart before you touch their skin. What's that 90 day deal, right? She's talking about water holding off you know, on any contact we're talking kiss, holding hands for 90 days yeah as, and she said that people will weed themselves out because it's a time to get to know somebody yeah from the inside out, and I think that really sounds spot on it does, it does.
Speaker 3:And it weeds it out automatically. The people will weed themselves out because if somebody's out just looking to, you know, for a piece of tail, so to speak, or the sex they're going to be, gone down the road, you know, or they might act like they're going along with it, but they're sleeping with somebody on the side. So sort of the listener out there out there, I would say, hey, just make sure the other person isn't having sex on the side while you're going through this 90 day deal, see what I mean, which, well, right, yeah, totally get to know somebody.
Speaker 3:There's plenty of time for the sex to come into the picture. Plenty of time yeah.
Speaker 2:well, the thing is it's not easy to do. We've all no blown that test, so why? But if when you're with somebody on a date first whatever, getting to know them and you really like them, you don't even. You're fine if the most you do is hold hands, yeah, I mean really because you're getting to know somebody and you got to think of what you're doing too when you, when you're getting to know somebody and you got to think of what you're doing too when you're not having sex. I mean, we're just saying the simple, not the simple formula this is the formula for really finding somebody is to not have sex. I mean, hold off, yes, hold off as long as you can, because it's an act that God made. That it's an incredible, incredible event.
Speaker 2:Sex is when you fall in love with somebody. But to really get to that point when you have sex with somebody, you are immediately throwing down a bunch of roadblocks. Whether you know it or not, you're throwing down roadblocks for the future, for that relationship. It's not going the natural course that it's meant to go. Because you look at the divorce rate, what is it? 53%. I think a lot of people get together and they think, wow, this is incredible. I want to marry this person.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:Well, hold the phone here right, because when you do something wrong, when you build a house, if you don't build that, put the block in nice and put it nice and straight and build a nice foundation, because you're building a foundation at that point, because it's the start of that house, right? Yeah, yes it is, you know last night. You don't build the attic, you don't build, you start at the foundation of it.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that is the start of the foundation of the relationship, and it needs to be built in the correct way.
Speaker 3:Yeah, to me, friendship is the foundation of the relationship.
Speaker 2:Well, where is respect gained? Where does that come to fruition?
Speaker 3:where's respect gained? Where did where does that come to fruition? I think it comes from fruition right at during the friendship phase of it. You're getting to know each other, you're getting to you know, developing that trust. Learn about each other exactly, allowing yourself to be vulnerable. That's how you develop trust too yes, yes, oh, vulnerability, yes.
Speaker 3:I know some friends of mine and myself will joke and say go easy, I'm sensitive and vulnerable. We say it as a joke, but there's actually a lot of truth to that. It's good to be vulnerable, it's good to have some sensitivity.
Speaker 2:Oh it is. It's huge, yes, being vulnerable with somebody, and that takes a little bit of time to have that work out.
Speaker 3:And you're right, it's done through trust, and a trust takes risk.
Speaker 2:Yep, you know when you and plus what you're doing too, when you're holding off on sex, you're respecting each other. I mean there's a big respect for each other. Yeah, like I mean, that's what we're saying, that's where it happens. But but the act of is is you're learning how to as a couple, you're learning how to care for them while they care for you. Because at the, at the beginning phase, if sex is introduced too quick, that short circuits that learning process of learning about for them as they learn for you, because that deep love is starting there too and we got to start somewhere right? Yes, you know you can't, you're not going to tell them you love them on the fifth date. You're going to wait a while. You're going to let that process go through its time and grow the right way. So if love is growing the right way and it's short-circuited with sex, then all of a sudden you're seeing love it's built differently then.
Speaker 2:It's built through the sex.
Speaker 3:All of a sudden, there's a foundation of sex, and that's the same as building your foundation on sand.
Speaker 1:You've stayed with us this far, and that shows commitment, proving you possess the trait required to obtain the solution. Now let's rejoin the show already in progress.
Speaker 3:Trials and tribulations will come along in life. The structure is built on a weak foundation and it'll give away.
Speaker 2:Yes you know, there's different uh different people that write different ways, different metaphors and such on on love, I always like the one that it's you know where as a house is built.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:And they include in there one or 2%. There's different rates of that of passion. It's not much Right, and passion is what Sex.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you know it's you know, but I'm just saying Very small minute Minute.
Speaker 2:Minute minute, you know, and when you say, when you think of a hundred percent, we're talking about it's a minute percent of it.
Speaker 3:Yes, it is.
Speaker 2:And so that tells you right there you start throwing it. If you start having sex, you're going to be having sex all the time. You know a couple of rabbits.
Speaker 3:Yes.
Speaker 2:And you're gonna be throwing it in there like I don't know what the percentage is gonna be, and it's gonna blow that thing apart because the other parts are not gonna be growing and developing tells you right there yeah, like it shuts the growth off, it shuts the development off it does, it shuts it down.
Speaker 2:you know, if you have you, there's too much of one thing. Yes, it's great, you think it, you think it's great. Well, actually, what you're doing is you're causing the relationship to have it'll start to die. At that point, it's death, yes. You can have that relationship start out. It's going to be either on the road to death or that relationship is going to be on the road to life, right Right. And if it's done wrong at the beginning, it's on the road to death.
Speaker 2:And I hate to say that people, but it is true. It is true, it's true. Anybody that listens to this podcast. I don't care what you say, you know it's true, you know it's true, you know it's true. So it's a formula and it's not that hard, it's not that tricky.
Speaker 3:Yeah, otherwise you'll end up being the way I used to be just having a life full of meaningless flings.
Speaker 2:Oh, you and me both.
Speaker 3:Yeah, flings, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:Intersects into the picture right away flings, yeah, you know flings, flings, you know flings. I mean just little little flying flings in the air yeah, next thing you know you're flinging them away.
Speaker 3:Yeah, bringing sex to the picture? Well, yeah, and then you're not.
Speaker 2:You're developing this thing where it's. Just then all you do is you want that one thing and it's just wrong. No-transcript. The sex is a huge, huge part of marriage. That's why it needs to be developed so in the right way.
Speaker 2:When you talk about the seven-year itch too, um, after seven years, well, that's for a different show almost. But but because it's a, it's a big deal, you know, but that's when people what happens there, well, that's another thing. But that's called masculine and feminine. Yeah, because when you, when you know it takes about that many years in a marriage, you get tired of that person. Okay, that's a whole different show. We can talk about that another time. Right, there's a reason for that. But when you're dating somebody, generally she will be in her feminine and he will be in his masculine and you're gonna love it. You're gonna have in his masculine and you're going to love it, you're going to have a great time, you're both going to be so just kind of drawn to each other. But that's that's. That's where people need to know and understand what's going on. Right, and mom and dad, grab your kids and tell them they talk about the birds and the bees and all that stuff I wish the parents. You know, maybe we need to do a workshop.
Speaker 3:So much emphasis anymore is put on sex from the advertisements, right yeah, from the advertisements to. And it's almost like these ads are designed to create lust. Okay, they are.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 3:And we're told that a lot of people have this attitude. Now, I'd rather be satisfied than sanctified, right, right, okay, explain that a little bit. Okay, satisfied would be just to be satisfied, like maybe a particular drink or particular food. Just, you know, satisfy that hunger, satisfy that thirst, thirst, satisfy that craving for sex, yeah, just go all out. Satisfy that urge, yep, without thinking anything else. So when people are going out that are, you know, oh, I got an itch, it needs to be scratched, so to speak. Right, they're fulfilling their sexual needs. Well, I'm going to find the girl, to find my sex. You know, fulfill my sexual desires. And it happens most of the time, like you said, before they even get to know somebody.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, they've shot that relationship right in the foot Right.
Speaker 3:And then there's people too that say, well, I have friends with benefits, you know. I guess they could say that's fine, and Danny, cause they're just, they're talking about it ahead of time. But if two people that agree upon a friends with benefits situation, most of the time I'm saying most of the time one person wants more, and they'll end up getting really hurt because they go oh man, I want more, I want to develop something here.
Speaker 3:Once again, it's easier for the other person to walk away because it was a foundation, even though they were friends. Right, they could say oh, we had a foundation based on friendship, but sex got drawn into the picture, without any commitment other than just their regular friendship, and that's why one's able to get really hurt and the other one can just walk away. Well, I'm not feeling guilty. I let him or her know ahead of time what's going on. Yeah, yeah, once again, it's like it's like society doesn't teach us to work for anything.
Speaker 3:And the most beautiful thing? I mean? I hear many people of all walks of life, from rock stars to ministers, to actors and actresses to CEOs. A lot of them will tell you the most ultimate thing there is in life is to have that one special person in your life that you love and cherish. Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's the ultimate thing in life. Yeah, it is One that you can bond with, mesh with.
Speaker 3:Yes, exactly. And love and yeah, and they love you back, right without any back, right Without any expectations.
Speaker 2:Yes, and those things. I believe that couple developed that right away by doing things the right way. Yes, they did. Yes, you know, guys, if you go out there and you treat your girlfriend, you treat her right and you respect her and you do it the right way, you hold off on that sex. You do it the right way. You know what you're going to have and what you're going to get. You're going to get a girlfriend, a wife, you know somebody engaged to that that respects you and she trusts you and she trusts you. Wow, what a big deal. Right, that is a big deal. That's a big deal to have to have that respect and that trust. And you got honesty, yet why? You know that that's huge. That is huge, yes, and people need to remember that. Um, with all these ads on, like you said a little bit ago, yeah.
Speaker 2:They push that at us and it's not right. There's too much of that stuff on there. But you know, it's almost like society doesn't want to see people succeed in relationships and in marriage, see people succeed in relationships and in marriage. People need to know that and understand that, because when they're pumping all that other stuff at us, what does it do? It? Just you know it, it takes you away from it, takes you away from doing things in the right way.
Speaker 3:Yeah, Distractions major distractions, major distractions.
Speaker 2:I do want to add that there are many, many, many relationships out there, solid ones that let's just say they didn't wait to have sex too long. You know that happens too.
Speaker 2:And that is awesome when those things can stay together. But on an average, you're much better off by waiting as long as you can to have sex. And the reason I say that is because the relationship needs time for those things to grow early on the trust, you know, the honesty, those things, the respect to get that to grow first. And that's, you know, to pay huge attention to that, because that's what gives the relationship the foundation and the longevity. So without those things, you're shooting it in the foot. Love her, cherish her, and she will respect you and you will feel the love.
Speaker 2:Guys, yeah, if you do it right, that's right. If you choose not to do it right, well, you're going to get what you get and you'll keep getting that. Yeah, and you'll keep getting it. People need to remember that dating is a time of discovery. After you discover what you need to discover, know and understand that it's not going to change. That's who they are and you are who you are. It doesn't make it bad, it just means that maybe you're meant to be with somebody else.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:So get out of that discovery what you need to, and then you move on. There's nothing wrong with that.
Speaker 3:Not at all. We can't change anybody.
Speaker 2:No, and that's how you discover it. That's right it should be that simple. That's why sex needs to stay out of it, so people can come and go as they need to, because it's important to have the ability to leave that relationship and go find your who you need to find.
Speaker 3:Right, right, greg, absolutely yeah. Sometimes I've heard stories before where actually I dated this girl and we didn't have the chemistry there and she introduced me to another girl to date, which I thought was pretty cool on her part.
Speaker 2:That's way cool.
Speaker 3:Yes, so that's doing something right. Communication.
Speaker 2:Yes, and she thought you were a great guy Absolutely, and so that's why she did that. And you thought she was a great gal Absolutely. But guess what? You maybe weren't that great together, right?
Speaker 3:Well, guess what you maybe weren't that? Great together, right, greatest friends. It wasn't going to go any further than that, but that was cool that we could sit down and talk about it as adults.
Speaker 2:As adults.
Speaker 3:Very cool and the cool part was we gave it a fair chance.
Speaker 2:That's right, that's where it's at.
Speaker 3:Give it a chance, people.
Speaker 2:Yep, everything in life. Give that thing a chance. Yes, give thing a chance. Yes, give it a chance. I like that, yes, I like that saying. That could be our mantra oh, give it a chance.
Speaker 3:Very well could be, give it a chance by giving the relationship a chance you're giving yourself a chance too.
Speaker 2:Exactly, you're giving the whole thing a chance, because if you do it wrong, you're not even giving it a chance. Yes, good one. Oh, thank you. Good one, my friend. Thank you, my friend. All right, greg, josh, thank you. It's been a great show. We've enjoyed it. It's been a great show, all right, brother. Hey Lister, thank you very, very much for being here. Take care, we'll see you next time on the Solution.
Speaker 1:This concludes this episode of the Solution. Thanks for joining us and be sure to check out our next episode. Send your questions and comments to craig2042 at gmailcom. That's Craig with a C. Be sure to subscribe to the Solution so you can be notified the moment the next exciting episode is ready for you to listen to. And please leave a review on Apple Podcasts or on your favorite podcast player.
