The Solution
Champion bachelors Craig and Greg present a myriad of topics centering on relationships and addictions, shared in the positive light of experience, strength and hope. Both have struggled with the strongholds of addiction and with relationships that went awry, and both have emerged on the other side -- stronger, wiser and better prepared to become what they once set out to be.
The Solution
The Solution Episode 57
What if understanding your attachment style could transform your relationships? Join Craig, Greg, and Josh on "The Solution" as we promise to unravel the mysteries of relationships and addictions, guiding you towards becoming the man every woman dreams of being with. Through candid reflections on our personal journeys, we shed light on the profound impact upbringing has on behavior and the challenges of applying learned knowledge to real-life situations. Together, we'll explore the significance of secure attachment, the triggers of anxious or avoidant behaviors, and the importance of choosing partners who are open to self-improvement and self-awareness.
Dive deep into the realm of emotional maturity and security, discovering how a secure attachment can be a rock during turbulent times. We'll share insights on maintaining mystery and interest in romantic relationships, especially if you tend to over-communicate. Learn to balance conversations and recognize the value of meeting potential partners in conducive environments. The episode also highlights the perils of superficial and emotionally immature relationships, guiding you towards healthier, more fulfilling connections. Join us for an enriching discussion packed with practical advice and wisdom for fostering strong and authentic relationships.
Champion Bachelors Craig and Greg present a myriad of topics centering on relationships and addictions in the positive lights of experience, strength and hope. Both have struggled with the strongholds of addiction and with relationships that went awry, and both have emerged on the other side stronger, wiser and better prepared to become what they once set out to be. You're listening to the Solution.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the Solution. I'm your host, craig Dolan. Tonight we're going to be talking about becoming the guy, becoming the man that she wants to be with, becoming the guy, becoming the man that she wants to be with. You know, when she was little, she had her dad. She had her father to look up to and she loved that. She loved the haircut of him and that's deep within her. If she was lucky enough to have a father, that is deep inside of her and if she could pull that rabbit's eye out of the hat and have that for the rest of the life, she would probably want that kind of love. So we're going to set you on a course tonight to becoming that kind of guy that she dreams of being with. And uh, so, guys, hey, welcome, greg.
Speaker 3:Hey welcome cra, welcome Craig.
Speaker 2:Welcome, Josh. Thank you, How's it going Good, Doing great. You know we've been doing this show for what? About three years, Really?
Speaker 3:A little over three years, I think A little over.
Speaker 1:Right yeah.
Speaker 2:Give or take.
Speaker 1:I have learned nothing.
Speaker 2:That was going to be my next question. It's almost going to be a show tonight of what we've learned.
Speaker 1:Learning is one thing, but doing it yes, my gosh, that has been so hard Becoming the guy that she wants Right, tell a little bit about that. Well, if I may, yeah, you know, the show has always been timely and all the things that we've learned on here, you know, or rather the subjects that we have covered and researched to do the shows, have been real. I'd say real eye openers and game pagers, wouldn't you guys?
Speaker 2:but yes, no, I agree.
Speaker 1:I agree. The thing is, I find myself, if I'm honest, especially in retrospect when I look back on my behavior cause sometimes you know, when you're just going through your life you're autopilot at least I am depending on, especially how tired I sometimes am.
Speaker 2:But looking back on it's like knowing is one thing and walking the walk is something else entirely we've been, we've been programmed our whole life to kind of be, a certain way, based on, well, how we were raised, our upbringing, you know, and so what you're trying to say, probably, is just that it can be very hard to change ways that are inside of us for so many years and that weren't working, and we're learning new things. Is that what you're talking?
Speaker 1:about. I think so. I mean a lot of the things that like the law of attraction, knowing that you shouldn't over pursue. But then you get caught up and you find somebody you like, and you find that's exactly what you're doing, and you see the person fleeing from you, and yet you find that you're unable to stop pursuing, and so it just you're describing one of the hardest things to to combat is anxious attachment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean when you're, when you all sudden meet somebody and you're like, oh man, she's the cat's meow and you're thinking about her, thinking about her, thinking about her pretty soon before meow, and you're thinking about her, thinking about her, thinking about her Pretty soon. Before you know it you're acting the anxious attachment all the way right.
Speaker 1:Yes, but I think that that gets triggered Because I think that everybody has a chance to be in their secure attachment style and I think that certain cues, subconscious or overt, from the other person will make you enter your attachment style and whatever that might be, because, because I think to have an, you don't really want to have an attachment style, you want to, you just want to be secure.
Speaker 2:You want to be, but can? Can a person be secure? Do they have that ability to be secure? If no matter what I mean, do you think they all have? Do you think we all have that ability and we show it at certain times?
Speaker 1:yes, I think it's about choosing the right person okay, so if it went, and that's that's. Another thing entirely is if you keep choosing the same types of people and you.
Speaker 2:You'd think you aren't, but but if you have a secure. Here's the deal, though. But if you have a secure attachment style, you will never be an anxious attachment.
Speaker 1:That's I don't think that's true.
Speaker 2:No, okay. Well, that's where you differ. I like that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, or an avoidant attachment.
Speaker 2:You won't be that. You'll be a secure across the board. If you can't be a secure across the board, you're not secure.
Speaker 1:Well, in my experience, I start out secure, and then someone's avoidant behavior will then make me turn into an anxious attachment, or someone's anxious behavior will make me turn into an avoidant attachment. So I think that it's really about finding someone compatible, and if you're able to tell them look, I think we're just triggering each other here. We're going to our attachment styles and they might be able to change if they're open to that, if they're into self-improvement and they're self-aware. But if they aren't, though, that's not the right person, because you're not going to be able to make a lifetime avoidance, you're not going to fix them. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Right. But I'm just saying, like, with a secure they're secure across the board. They can be hit anyway and it just kind of water off the duck's back, but that'll be a good one to look up.
Speaker 1:Well, ideally, yeah, if they're with the right person, they're going to be secure. No, but yeah, no, you're always moving through the attachment styles if you're with the wrong kind of person. So you could be secure for 20 years of marriage, but then if you find out your wife's having an affair, how secure are you going to be?
Speaker 2:In how he reacts to that situation. He doesn't have to fly off the handle. I mean, you can have something crazy happen. It's like emotional maturity. Your emotional maturity is marked by basically how you handle bad situations. It's how you handle bad situations. It's how you come to. You know basically an emotional mature person. You're not going to really know that they're having a wild, rough week or whatever, because they are emotionally mature. Now, if they're going through a situation in life where they're having a lot of things come at them, if they're not emotionally mature, they're going to melt in certain ways. They're going to melt down. Snap, yeah, they'll snap, they'll snap at you, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Honey, you squeezed the toothpaste in the middle of the tube.
Speaker 1:Why, you know little things like that Indirected anger.
Speaker 2:You're not saying that you need to repress your emotions completely, to be no, because that would also be immature. No, because you understand what's going on. That's why I say, like a person that's in a situation, in a relationship, they're a secure attachment. You know they're going to have a rocky road with that relationship at times, but they're. They are the person that's going to be able to keep the ship going smooth, can ride the waves of all those and they're going to remain secure. That's just.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I think too, the secure. Let's say if the man has the secure attachment in the relationship, if the lady, you could say vice versa. In this case we'll say the man is the secure attachment. So the lady's kind of going off the deep end a little bit, based on life, has served her some bad things. What's going to end up happening? She's going to subconsciously use the man as the guideline to get back to even keel again. See what I mean? His calmness, yeah right His emotional security.
Speaker 3:She's going to realize that, oh, okay, okay, it's not a big thing and yeah, that would be a good way to.
Speaker 2:No, that was beautiful right there. Yeah, because what does she call?
Speaker 1:him when she describes him Daddy.
Speaker 3:Oh, you mean he's my rock? Yeah, the rock he's my.
Speaker 1:Dwayne.
Speaker 2:Johnson Perfect, he's my rock.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Can you smell what Rock? I mean? What is the best compliment a woman could pay a man in that situation? It would be to say he's my rock.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know. And to be a rock, to be a man who's going to be a rock for his woman, that's what she wants in life, right?
Speaker 3:Yeah woman.
Speaker 2:That's what she wants in life, right, yeah, when she grew up to, you know if she had a dad, hopefully we, you know that's. If you have a dad and you grew up with a dad, what a beautiful thing. And if you meet a guy that reminds you of her dad, if she meets a fella that reminds her of her dad and she had a loving relationship with him, she, she's going to look at that guy with googly eyes. You know for the most part, but to be somebody's rock, we'll get back to the premise of this show. What does the guy want to do? Where do we want to take that guy and tell that guy to be what he needs to be to attract her?
Speaker 1:Yeah, that would be to be that rock. That quote from another show where it's like you don't want to become, you don't want to. How does that go exactly? You don't want to attract a certain kind of person, you want to. If you want to attract a certain kind of person, you don't try to change them. You just have to become the kind of person that you would want to spend the rest of your life with, and then you'll attract those kind of people. So you're changing yourself in order to attract the right kind of person. I don't know if that has to do with what you just said. I certainly hope so.
Speaker 2:No, it does.
Speaker 3:It does Because you work on yourself, the attraction from your potential partners. They become attracted, they want to become a part of you If you're doing something intentionally to attract them. I'm going to change this. I'm going to do this. Instead of trying to work on yourself, you're trying to do little things, which are proven to be superficial, to attract a particular woman. In the end, you're turned away because you didn't bring your real self to the table in the first place yeah, if you're, if you're pretending that you don't want to call her.
Speaker 1:If you're not calling her on purpose to try to game the situation, they're gonna. They're gonna sense that inauthenticity, I think. But if you're sincerely on your purpose, then that's going to generate a kind of energy that's going to be irresistible. But at least that's the idea, yeah, and you're genuinely not worried about what she's doing. When she's here. She's not with you because you're just too busy. You're doing your life.
Speaker 3:An example I'd like to do real quick would be this. Let's say a gentleman is saving up a down payment. He's already been approved for a loan to buy a house. He's $1,000 away from his down payment. The bank's already gave him a promissory note saying once you add $10,000 down, we'll give you the loan for this house. So all of a sudden, the girl he's dating just is begging to want to go on this Caribbean vacation. Well, to do that, we'll delay his time to accrue the money to get this down payment. He set this agreement with himself, a written goal, saying hey, I'll have this amount of money saved by this time If I go on this Caribbean vacation. It's going to delay my saving for another three months. So if he's true to himself, he'll say we'll take the Caribbeancation another time. I got to stick to my guns right here. Oh yeah, that'd be an example of that being true to yourself.
Speaker 3:Being mature, yeah, yeah, not giving in. Being himself, setting your goals the alpha male sets the goals, lives to it.
Speaker 1:You stayed with us this far, and that shows commitment, proving you possess the trait required to obtain the solution. Now let's rejoin the show already in progress.
Speaker 3:So often I look at my past, how I would do things to accommodate the woman, to get her acceptance. Do you see what I mean? And I wasn't being true to myself in situations like that. Nowadays I'm like, hey, save that down payment, we'll do the vacation later, you have to say no, sometimes don't you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely yeah.
Speaker 2:No is one of the most important words to master as a guy.
Speaker 1:I hate saying no, I hate hearing no, because I think I want to please. It's hard to say no to a woman that you're attracted to and you want to make happy and impress. But the thing is, if you always cave into what she, what her ideas are and like you sort of begin to lose yourself, no respect yeah, that's right, push over, you're going to lose.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, she's going to know that. She's going to sense that. Well, he keeps. Every time I want something, he just bends and changes what seemed to be a strong opinion. He's just. You know, he's a pushover.
Speaker 2:He's just starting to cave to me, and they know that that's why they'll test you right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so I guess that becomes unattractive because she can't feel your strength and then she starts to think well, in a really tough challenge in life, I can't trust this guy because he's going to bend with the wind, so he's not reliable Right and that puts her and she'll be thinking, that puts me in the lead position.
Speaker 2:She wants to marry a guy who wants to take the lead.
Speaker 3:Yeah and be responsible.
Speaker 2:That relationship be responsible? I think so, and saying the word no, that's a responsible word. He's saying no, this isn't the right time, honey. We can't do that.
Speaker 3:I can't recall how many a lot of men who I sponsor actively sponsor in that support group that I'm involved in it's so funny, you know sponsor and that support group that I'm involved in, it's so funny. I can't remember how many men at times have have told me God, I just wanted to to please my girlfriend, so I, I spent my bill money once again to make them happy to take them to that nice dinner, to take them on that weekend trip. Right, they see that the lady sees that season has been a pushoverhover and and so I tell the guys once the money's out, they're going on to the next guy. Yeah, they're going on to the next guy, yeah yeah, I think that's another thing into itself too.
Speaker 1:Is not giving not giving money to, don't give money to women really?
Speaker 3:and well, it's your wife.
Speaker 1:That's different, but right, get no.
Speaker 3:But I mean like trips and stuff spending money on it, right? You know, like I'm sure all of us have dated with God, I'd really want to check out this restaurant. Or I really would like to go to Galena for the weekend, or Milwaukee for the weekend, or Denver for the weekend, right, totally unexpected.
Speaker 2:Oh, that'd be so nice. You should be just going to Mount.
Speaker 3:Pleasant yeah, yeah, Old Threshers or something like that Well, I mean, you know or. Des Moines, go to Des Moines and back.
Speaker 2:You don't need to ride that high. No, you don't Just ride low for a while and do it with her, and you know, conversation can happen anywhere.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And you know you can snuggle up to your lady anywhere. She can snuggle up to you anywhere. It doesn't have to be all showy. She wants to marry Ladies. We're not speaking for you, but you want to marry a guy who wants to be a mature man who's looking out for you. He's looking out for the whole situation. He's not just looking out for himself at all, he's looking out for the whole situation. That's what you want Somebody who sticks to their values.
Speaker 1:Sticks to their values and beliefs? Yeah, even when she thinks they're in opposition.
Speaker 2:That's a great point, josh. That's a beautiful point, because who do you want to marry in life? Somebody that has the same values and beliefs. Really, I mean, really that goes a, a long way. So when you're in that marriage or in that relationship and you stick to your values, then she's already in that that value set right. So isn't that a beautiful way to maintain those values? Yeah, when you have somebody leading you or you know, I think you might not have any hope.
Speaker 1:Otherwise, if you don't have the same values, it turns out Right. Yeah, I just don't see how that's going to. I don't know. I hadn't really thought how that would play out. Specifically on the different values, no, you're right, especially morality, the moral compass. Well, of course, the last three women I've been with have all been toxic personalities with narcissistic tendencies of men. But I realized the common denominator is me. I'm the person attracting these people. So, for whatever reason, my empathetic codependency or whatever it is, makes me a juicy meal for these people that think I'm going to take his resources, I'm going to vampirize him and I'm going to take him down a peg on the way out Right.
Speaker 3:They meet you and they're emotionally salivating and you don't want to be some tasty little morsel.
Speaker 2:You want to be a big beefy, steak up there on the right vibration level. Right, I think so.
Speaker 1:But I know I don't want this anymore. Right, I think I think so, but I know I don't want. I don't want this anymore. I'm really done with this. I've had enough and I and I want to move on. Um, so I unfortunately, I think it's led me to the conclusion that I need to stop, just stop thinking about women altogether and just get on my purpose, cause I know I'm not doing it and every time I say I am, some woman comes along and is interested in me. It's like you know that's the devil. No, but it's like as soon as I try to get on my purpose, some interesting, some lovely pair of eyes will be blinking at me and blinking or winking, blinking, and you get the idea. I mean, it's just like Totally so I find myself at an interesting turning point, I suppose.
Speaker 2:So what things do you feel you have to work on?
Speaker 1:Stop talking. Okay, I want to take a vow of silence. That'd be creepy. It's kind of a joke, but I almost want to put.
Speaker 2:So you talk too much. When you initially meet them on a date or something, I talk all the time I never stop talking.
Speaker 1:I realize, and there's no mystery in that, and these girls get sick of me, they're mine to lose. And then I talk and talk and then you just see them just fading away because the mystery's gone. You talked about everything. I'm not interesting. I realize that I think I am, but the more I talk, the less mystery there is. So I have to shut the heck up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a person comes. The more, the more interesting you become, the less you've said you know, I just ask him questions.
Speaker 3:The next girl that gives you. Those eyes just make it a point to ask questions about herself, and I'll say can't you read the sign?
Speaker 1:It says no smelly girls. Now get out of here.
Speaker 2:It can be easy to do, josh.
Speaker 3:And I totally smelly girls now get out of here.
Speaker 2:It can be easy to do, josh, and I totally understand what you're saying. I do, because we've all been there. I guess you don't talk too much though. No, well, I guess, naturally I like to listen more. I just I do, I like to listen, and somebody wants to talk, you know. But I think you can get it though, you know, because it's just, it's just a matter of, and you know those things have been programmed into you too. You know we talk.
Speaker 2:I think you can get it, though, you know, because it's just a matter of, and you know those things have been programmed into you too. You know we talk about okay, you got to do this and that to find her. Well, it's not necessarily something you don't, it's usually. It's not something you have to do, it's something you don't that you should quit doing. Yeah, yeah, you know, to find her, it's not something you have to go out and do. Just look at what you're doing and then probably simmer it down, because it's like a switchboard here, okay, and we've all got our mics amped up and everything.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:If one of our mics is amped way up, you know we're like talking super duper loud, yeah, but we want all those amps, all those. You know where. You see them, where they're shooting up into the red. They're too high. They just all need to be in that middle area. Okay, you know. So it's just about balance. Life's about balance. That's a good metaphor, yeah, and life is about balance.
Speaker 3:So you stop talking and stop texting. And I would look at this too, josh, just see where you're meeting these girls at Like. I have a feeling this wouldn't happen to you much. I'm just using examples. If you met him in the chess club, the astronomy, some astronomy club, some hiking group right now these are what I mean fishing group you know, these are all girls I met through drugs. I'll be honest and even though, there you go, that's it right there. If I'm a betty man, that's it right there.
Speaker 1:That's what it is, and as long as one of us me or she is doing drugs, that's in our lives, it's not going to work out. There you go it is not going to work out.
Speaker 3:This is my opinion based on my experience. I've talked to Craig about this before, away from the show, away from Aaron, I believe, with you a few times too. We talk about all these characteristics of a healthy relationship, what they should be, yeah, and what to find in somebody. You really don't find those. In somebody who uses heavily you really don't. If you see and observe them. A lot of times it's a front, it's a bait of the hook, yeah, just a real somebody in there's always damage, oh yeah, latent damage at least, and it's ready to yeah, it's all about me, because I you know for me what is the bait and what is the hook?
Speaker 3:explain those real quick okay, okay, here's the thing. The hook would be the bait and hook, hook line and sinker, basically bullshit. You know I mean, because it's like that eagle song every girl knows how to open up a door with just a smile. You see what I mean. So, when it comes to people that are practicing addicts, practicing alcoholics, they're superficial, they're emotionally immature, they're self-centered. So what you're seeing is not real, it's not genuine. They don't even know who they are. Okay.
Speaker 2:They don't even know who they are. You know, right, are okay, they don't even know who they are, you know right, yeah, I mean, I mean, well, yeah, if you're, if you're, we're all you know, if the thing is, we all attract what we're comfortable with, yes, you know, and the thing is, fellas, what we're saying is. What we're saying is you got to think about it, because if you're attracting the same person, the same type of gal, same type of lady, you got to change it up, you got to, I probably, if that person gets you in trouble, if you end up in a situation that, yes, just isn't working because it's toxic yeah and when you know, and you know the difference, we all know the difference between toxic and non-toxic.
Speaker 2:You know if it's toxic, it's, it's not good, right? And if you need to find somebody and everybody, come home from that date or come being with them for a month or two months and go. Man, I just don't enjoy this. She gets all excited and yells at me for this blah, blah, blah. If things are, then what it's saying to you is start thinking about if your childhood was chaotic and crazy. That's what. That's what comes into your life, right, you're comfortable with chaos.
Speaker 3:You're comfortable with chaos? Oh yeah, then somebody decent that comes along. They're boring, they're boring very boring.
Speaker 2:They're the one for you. Yeah, so it is. It's a little tricky at first.
Speaker 1:It's hard to act against your instincts yes, it is when you realize, when you get sick of everything.
Speaker 2:You keep doing the same, leading you to the same unsatisfying conclusions, then it's time to, and so if we take this show right here, if you bottom line it, if we bottom line this show right here, this is I want to know what you guys think. This is what I think the bottom line is is deciding if you are a person of chaos. Is that what you're used to? Or are you used to a room of of love, to see the folks of love? Things were great. When you're a kid, you know. If you can decide between that and decide how your childhood went, because that's what we end up being.
Speaker 2:You know we are who we were yes and there's certain things that we can't wish away, and so it's, there's certain just a couple questions ask, you know, and is it chaos or is it love? And then you want to, um, elevate yourself to where you need to be. What do you guys think? I want that? I want to listen to. No one understand. We're saying too right, because what was that? Was that uh, easily understandable what I said, kind of.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you said a lot there too, but you said a few different things, but one I got was that we accept the love that we feel we deserve. So if we have a low self-value or low self-worth, we're not going to see, we're not receptive to love that is of a higher quality. And you mentioned it might even seem boring, perfect, um, yeah, although I think more recently I I must be some kind of drama king, because that seems to be what you think. You're addicted to chaos and chaotic women. But then when some inequality comes along, actually, not only was she not boring, but I think it was so amazing that I I started to you know like wow, and then they started to run towards it, and then I'm doing all the bad mistakes again.
Speaker 1:So I'm saying, hey, wait a minute, you're amazing, we should be together. And she's like wait a minute. I told you I didn't want a relationship. And I was like oh, I know, but you're so amazing though, and right, well, just because you have an agreement doesn't mean she feels the same way, or just because you feel something for someone doesn't mean that that's going to happen. But my point was supposed to be you meet someone of quality. I think you might know actually. Yeah, it's going to be so obvious that it's going to be hard to control, I know.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, and she's going to be the type of gal there's going to be some hints to know.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:She's not going to be easily won over. She's not going to tell you how, she's not going to bombard you with these feelings right away. Oh wow, this is awesome. You are awesome.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:And if they're saying they love you, but not sleep with you right away, but she still wants to see you. Yeah, I think that's a great girl.
Speaker 2:That's a great lady. That's a great thing happening.
Speaker 3:Yeah, because I can't get to a woman's heart by the bed. Being in the bed. I think I mentioned this in another podcast. A woman needs to have her heart touched first before I touch her skin. I touch your skin. I'm sleeping with a woman.
Speaker 2:I'm using the gift from god first, right, yeah, using that, first speaking, a part of the mystery being gone right. Well, sex, I mean big rig sex, is the most powerful thing yeah that we have going for us, and it's so. When something is so powerful and has such a big motor, where it can affect people so much either great, in a great way or in a bad way then that's something to respect.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We're going to do another show, a continuation of this, and it's going to be a good one. Yes, I know, sir. For myself, josh and Greg, I say goodnight from the Solution. Appreciate you guys tuning in Absolutely. And goodnight. Have a good night y'all.
Speaker 3:Thanks for listening, bye.
Speaker 1:Thanks for joining us and be sure to check out our next episode. Send your questions and comments to Craig2042 at gmailcom. That's Craig with a C. Be sure to subscribe to the Solution so you can be notified the moment the next exciting episode is ready for you to listen to. And please leave a review on Apple Podcasts or on your favorite podcast player.
